Rock-hard days between Mizpah and Shen...

"Will I ever be normal again?"

That question won't leave me. Mom asked it.

For those of you who don't know, mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in January 2010, two months after falling and shattering her hip. She is still in complete denial about the Alzheimer's diagnosis--she blames her memory lapses on the numerous mini strokes she's had--no matter how many times I try to explain to her that the strokes were in the area of her brain that controls balance, not memory.

And, even after often-ugly conversations designed to "help" mom see how her definition of "normal" causes her to make damaging choices, I still went there. I still tried to answer her question, "Will I ever be normal again?"

"Mom, it depends on how you define normal. If normal is being able to live alone and drive a car and be independent, then, no, you're not ever going to be normal again. I love you too much to lie to you. But if you can somehow see normal as being given another day to be grateful, and to try to bless those people whom God brings into your life, then you can have a pretty good normal."

And, as He tends to do, right there the Holy Spirit used my words to show me my often ungrateful self. To show me that I have high expectations about this thing called normal. For me, other words for normal could be entitled or expectations.

In fact, a sense of entitlement has defined most of my Christian journey. For so many years, I lived by the belief that, if I believed the "right" things, did the "right" things, made the "right" choices, then God would clear my path of any obstacles, and this journey home would be smooth sailing.

So, imagine my offended surprise when life didn't work out that way.

If the struggles of the past three years are teaching me anything, it is this:
There are no guarantees. Life is sometimes rock hard.
People you love deeply will sometimes leave.
Others will disappoint you.
And, right there, in the midst of all that grief and disappointment,
there will be days when you feel as if God Himself has left, has disappointed.
And, right there, the decision has to be made, "Am I still going to trust Him?
Am I still going to believe, even though the bottom of "normal" has fallen out, that He loves me and that He means it when He says, "I will never leave you or forsake you" ?
Am I still going to love Him back?...Even if nothing changes, even if my most desperate prayers are not answered, even if my expectations are disappointed...
Is He enough?"

Honestly, there have been days when my heart didn't have the answer to that question. Oh, I knew what the "right" response "should" be. But I'm tired of the "shoulds." Too much of my life has been about the "shoulds."

But, He has brought me to this day.
He has placed people in my life who love me in spite of myself.
He has answered prayers, some of which I only see in the "looking back".
He is slowly teaching me to throw my self-conceived ideas of "normal" out the window.
And, He alone has placed this flicker of desire for the answer to be "YES!" to His question "Am I enough?"

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen,

and called its name Ebenezer, saying,

'Thus far the LORD has helped us'.”

(1 Samuel 7:12, NKJV)

If you have time, read 1 Samuel 7, to get the battle-filled background of this verse.
Today, there's only one question:
How has God been your Ebenezer throughout your journey with and toward Him?
(Please feel free to share your own story of His faithfulness even during those rock-hard times of life.)

They Could Kill Somebody Like That...

So, I’ve been thinking about the masks I wear.

There are a LOT of them. Three of them would be: Capable, Cool, Christian. In fact, most of the time, I try to wear these three masks together to become "Sister Capable Cool Christian".

Don't get me wrong--Christianity is not JUST a mask for me. Through no worth or capability of my own, the saving blood of Jesus has miraculously forgiven the sin that separated me from God, transforming me from an enemy to a much-loved child. (What a Savior!)

But I too often find myself thinking about Christianity in the same way that I imagine members of country clubs think about their clubhouses and memberships and inter-club relationships.

Here's the question that reveals this "Christian-masked-me" to myself: How comfortable would I be if all the gang members and drug addicts and homeless people in Knoxville came and asked me to start telling them about Jesus in my church?  Or, better yet, in my home?

If I'm honest, I'm much more comfortable around "cleaned-up" Christians, and not even all of THEM.

But then, the closer I look at this saving Jesus, the more I realize He didn't hang out with cleaned-up church folks very much. Even his closest disciples were a bunch of losers by society's standards--several were fishermen, one was even a despised tax collector. None of them had been considered "good" enough to get an invitation to "rabbi school."

He was even accused by religious folks of being a drunken party-goer: "The Son of Man, on the other hand, feasts and drinks, and you say, 'He’s a glutton and a drunkard, and a friend of tax collectors and other sinners'!"

I don't know what, exactly, I'm supposed to do about this Christian-masked-me. I'm praying about it. But, I know something needs to change. But, the questions become, "Am I willing to surrender to this change? Or, do I still care more about what others think than about what God longs for?"

So, these were some of the questions in me me when I read the following words from "Bread and Wine: Readings for Lent and Easter":
"Whatever the Gospel means, we tell ourselves, it could not mean death. The first week of Lent begins with old John the Baptist. His sermons could not be titled, 'Be Good to Yourself.'...
John is not the Christ. (But) John is the one who gets us ready. So, how does one prepare? Repent, change your ways, get washed. John lets us take no comfort in our rites, tradition or ancestry. Everybody must submit to being made over....especially the religiously secure and morally sophisticated.
How shocked was the church to see its Lord appear on the banks of the Jordan asking John to wash him too (Matt.3:14-15). How can it be that the Holy One of God should be rubbing shoulders with naked sinners on their way into the waters?
When Jesus was baptized, his baptism was not only the inauguration of his mission, but also a revelation of the shockingly unexpected nature of his mission…On two occasions, Jesus uses ‘baptism’ to refer to his impending death. He asks his halfhearted disciples, ‘Can you…be baptized with the baptism with which I must be baptized?’ (Mark 10:38)
Jesus’ ‘baptism,’ begun in the Jordan and completed on Golgotha, is repentance, self-denial, metanoia to the fullest. (Metanoia: a radical revision and transformation of our whole mental process; a new mind).
John presents his baptism as a washing from sin, a turning from self to God. But Jesus seeks an even more radical metanoia. Jesus’ message is not the simple one of the Baptist, ‘Be clean.’ Jesus’ word is more painful--‘Be killed.’
Discipleship is more than turning over a new leaf. It is more fitful and disorderly than gradual moral formation. Nothing less than daily, often painful, lifelong death will do. So Paul seems to know not whether to call what happened to him on the Damascus Road ‘birth’ or ‘death’--it felt like both at the same time.
We may come singing 'Just As I Am,' but we will not stay by being our same old selves. The needs of the world are too great, the suffering and the pain too extensive, the lures of the world too seductive for us to begin to change the world unless we are changed....The status quo is too alluring. It is the air we breathe, the food we eat, the 6:30 news....The only way we shall break its hold on us is to be transferred to another dominion, to be cut loose from our old certainties, to be thrust under the flood and then pulled forth fresh and newborn. Baptism takes us there.
On the bank of some dark river, as we are thrust backward, onlookers will remark, 'They could kill somebody like that.’ To which old John (the Baptist) might say, 'Good, you're finally catching on’.”
--"Repent" by William Willimon

"Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life

—even though invisible to spectators—

is with Christ in God. He is your life.

When Christ (your real life, remember)

shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too

—the real you, the glorious you.

Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ."

Colossians 3:3-4

• What struggles do you face between your "old life" and your "new life"? Why do you think this is?
• What metanoia-like change(s) do you feel is (are) needed in your life?
• What is your reaction to this Savior who chose to hang out with drunks and sinners rather than church folk?
• What's your reaction to Willimon's thoughts on discipleship?--"Discipleship is more than turning over a new leaf. It is more fitful and disorderly than gradual moral formation. Nothing less than daily, often painful, lifelong death will do."

But who would I be without them?

So, I've been thinking about the Scriptures we've been reading from Isaiah and Psalms and the questions we've been asking ourselves.

And, as God often does when He wants to make sure I'm paying attention, it seems for the past two days those convicting words from Isaiah and David have been everywhere--songs on the radio, e-votionals, and the Ash Wednesday service I almost didn't attend.

After a busy day of job interviews and getting mom to a doctor appointment, I'd almost talked myself out of going to an Ash Wednesday service. (At this point, I should probably be honest and tell you one of the "fasts" I feel called to this Lent is to fast making excuses because of fear, discomfort, cynicism, etc.)

So, reluctantly, I went. (Why is it the Holy Spirit always shows up in "reluctant places"?)

The service was held at a church I've been wanting to visit, Apostles Anglican. As the different speakers began reciting those increasingly familiar words from Isaiah and David, I knew it was the Holy Spirit who had pushed me past my excuses, out of my comfort zone, and onto that wooden pew.

And, I believe I'm supposed to share some of Reverend Bryson's words with you. After the words from Isaiah and David, Reverend Bryson read the following words from Jesus (as translated in The Message):
"Be especially careful when you are trying to be good
so that you don't make a performance out of it.
It might be good theater,
but the God who made you won't be applauding.
When you do something for someone else,
don't call attention to yourself.
You've seen them in action, I'm sure—
'playactors' I call them—
treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage,
acting compassionate as long as someone is watching,
playing to the crowds.
They get applause, true, but that's all they get.
When you help someone out, don't think about how it looks.
Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively.
That is the way your God, who conceived you in love,
working behind the scenes, helps you out.
And when you come before God,
don't turn that into a theatrical production either.
All these people making a regular show out of their prayers,
hoping for stardom!
Do you think God sits in a box seat?
Here's what I want you to do:
Find a quiet, secluded place
so you won't be tempted to role-play before God.
Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage.
The focus will shift from you to God,
and you will begin to sense his grace."
(Matthew 6:1-6, 16-21, The Message)

Rev. Bryson pointed out that, whenever we see the word "hypocrite" in our English Bibles, it's translated from the Greek word for "actor" (hupokrites). In Biblical times, actors typically wore masks, depending on the character they were playing. So, with that background, here are some words from his sermon:
--------------------------------------
"Most of us live our lives behind a mask. We're afraid that if people see behind our mask, they won't love us.
....There is even a mask called 'no mask'.
....Our masks do nothing to heal us--they only hide us.
....But, Jesus already sees and knows all the ugliness behind the mask, and He says, "I love you child...this much"...and He stretches out His arms on a cross and dies.
....Lent is a time to let God help us take off our masks and offer our unmasked selves wholeheartedly to Him. Doing so is vulnerable and can make us feel completely naked.
....He has not called us to be actors--He has called us to be ambassadors. He has called us to be 'a rebuilder of walls, a restorer of homes, to raise up the foundations of many generations'--that means for our children and our grandchildren and their children....Could there be anything more beautiful than to live like that?"
--------------------------------
At this point in the service, I stood in line for the "Imposition of Ashes," yet another occasion where I had to "fast" fear. As the Holy Spirit would have it, when my "turn" came, I stood before this man who had just spoken those powerful, convicting, comforting words. As he traced the ashes on my forehead, he said quietly: "My sister, from dust you were formed, and to dust you shall return."

And I began to cry. My heart and mind flashed back to a conversation with mom from earlier in the day. She couldn't remember something she wanted to tell me, and became frustrated and angry. She asked me, "Am I ever going to be normal again?"

NORMAL. What a loaded word for 6 little letters.

Over the past few years, I've lost count of the times mom has said to me, "I just always wanted to be normal." The sad irony is that her definition of 'normal' and the choices she made trying to achieve it brought even more chaos into her life.

But, if I'm honest, I have to confess that 'NORMAL' is a mask I wear. I too want to fit in and "just be like other people." And, inevitably, that 'normal' mask causes me abnormality, confusion and sin.

It strikes me as no coincidence that, the morning after Ash Wednesday service, when I opened my favorite Lenten book, the page fell open to some words I wrote years ago: "Before Jesus shows us who He is, He has to show us who we are."

Wow! Those words still rattle my masks.

So, here are some questions I've been thinking about. Maybe they'll speak to you too:

*What masks am I wearing? (In other words, how might Jesus be trying to show me who I am so He can show me who He is?)

*How might the Holy Spirit be trying to "unmask" me so I can offer my wholehearted, unmasked self to God?

*What is an "ambassador"?

*Where have I been an actor instead of an ambassador?

*How can I be "a rebuilder of walls, a restorer of homes", starting with my own family, this Lent?
(FYI, in the Old Testament, when Isaiah wrote these words, "walls" provided protection from the enemy.)

*How do I define "normal"? Does that definition help or harm my spiritual growth?

------------------------------------
With these questions in mind, let's turn these words from a forgiven, grateful David into a prayer:

"The LORD is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,

nor will he harbor his anger forever;

He does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,

so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,

he remembers that we are dust.

The life of mortals is like grass,

they flourish like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone,

and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting

the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,

his righteousness with their children’s children—

with those who keep his covenant

and remember to obey his precepts."

(Psalm 103:8-18 NIV)

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Until recently, I never realized that, for centuries, certain parts of Christ's Body have followed and observed a "church calendar." During the 14 years I was a Presbyterian, I became somewhat familiar with the Church season of Advent, observed for the four weeks before Christmas. But, even there, not much attention was given to observing Lent, the 40-day period preceding Easter, which is historically marked by fasting and acts of mercy.

So, it came as a surprise when the Holy Spirit began moving my heart to find out more about Lent, especially given the fact that, by that time, I had "become" a Southern Baptist (at least for the time being...though deep in my heart I still think of myself as a Pentecostal. To this day, when people ask me what I "am," I jokingly respond, "I'm a PresbyBaptiCostal.")...Since discovering this beautiful, often painfully revealing 40-day journey of Lent, the Holy Spirit has brought more resources into my path than I could ever read (much less apply).

And, just so you know, I've given up trying to "predict" what the Holy Spirit wants to teach me during these 40 days. He ALWAYS surprises me...shows me more of my selfish self than I want to see...asks me to obey Him in ways my pride kicks against...but He ALWAYS shows me more of HIMSELF, HIS Kingdom, HIS Love.

Here are some questions you may be asking:
Q. Do I have to fast?
A. Only if the Holy Spirit moves your heart to do so. And...He's shown me that "fasting" does not necessarily involve food. One of the most difficult "fastings" He called me to was to "fast" wrong attitudes. (That year, I lost count of the times I "broke my fast". Let's just say, it was a humbling 40 days.)...Bottom line...talk to Him about it--He WILL let you know.

Q. Do I have to buy anything?
A. No. I'll be posting Scripture, readings and a few questions each day on the blog for us to read, comment on, pray about, etc. Of course, I'll reference any books I use, in case you want to buy them. And...please let me know of any books or studies you've used that have helped you.

Q. What's required of me?
A. I like to leave most requirements up to the Holy Spirit. With that said, I do ask that you pray for the old and new friends you might meet on our Lenten journey--that the Holy Spirit would do a new work of redemption, renewal, restoration, revival and resurrection in our lives and the lives of their families.

Q. How can I share with others participating in this study/journey?
Feel free to post comments, questions, etc., in the "Comments" section below each post. However, for the sake of privacy, please refrain from using whole names when making prayer requests. And, if you read something you don't understand or agree with, pray about it first...and remember that God always wants our responses to come from a heart filled with the fruit of His kindness and gentleness living in us.

You might also want to begin a journal for these next 40 days, where you can write down your thoughts on our Scriptures and other readings, your prayers, questions, how God is working in your life, etc. (This doesn't have to be fancy...you can use a plain old notebook...or even typing paper stapled together.)

So, if you feel led, come along. It begins with some words from the prophet Isaiah and a few questions that follow. And, today's study ends with a prayer from the broken heart of King David.
1-3 "Shout! A full-throated shout!
Hold nothing back—a trumpet-blast shout!
Tell my people what's wrong with their lives,
face my family Jacob with their sins!
They're busy, busy, busy at worship,
and love studying all about me.
To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people
— law-abiding, God-honoring.
They ask me, 'What's the right thing to do?'
and love having me on their side.
But they also complain,
'Why do we fast and you don't look our way?
Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?'
3-5"Well, here's why:
"The bottom line on your 'fast days' is profit.
You drive your employees much too hard.
You fast, but at the same time you bicker and fight.
You fast, but you swing a mean fist.
The kind of fasting you do won't get your prayers off the ground.
Do you think this is the kind of fast day I'm after:
a day to show off humility?
To put on a pious long face and parade around solemnly in black?
Do you call that fasting, a fast day that I, God, would like?
6-9"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed, cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'
9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices, quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.
13-14"If you watch your step on the Sabbath
and don't use my holy day for personal advantage,
If you treat the Sabbath as a day of joy,
God's holy day as a celebration,
If you honor it by refusing 'business as usual,'
making money, running here and there—
Then you'll be free to enjoy God!
Oh, I'll make you ride high and soar above it all.
I'll make you feast on the inheritance of your ancestor Jacob."
Yes! God says so!     (Isaiah 58, The Message)

Questions
1. Has there ever been a time in your life when the externals of worship took precedence over the real heart and reason for worship?

2. If so, what was the result?

3. What reasons does God give for "not looking our way"?

4. What kind of fast does God long for?

5. What does He say will be the harvest from this type of fast?

6. How have we gotten away from God's plan for the Sabbath?

7. What simple steps might God be calling us to take to restore His purpose for fasting and Sabbath in our lives?

These words from Isaiah cut me to the quick--not much has changed since he wrote them thousands of years ago--at least in my heart. I say I long to fast according to God's desires, but some things He asks take me WAY out of my selfish comfort zone.

It seems a good time to pray these words written by King David (which many commentators believe he wrote after he was confronted by God's prophet, Nathan, about his adultery with Bathsheba and his murder of her husband, Uriah, who had been one of Israel's faithful soldiers). Let's turn David's words into our own prayer as we end the first day of this Lenten journey:

1Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love;

according to your abundant mercy, blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned,

and done what is evil in your sight,

so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.

5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,

and in sin did my mother conceive me.

6Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,

and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

7Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;

wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

8Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

11 Cast me not away from your presence,

and take not your Holy Spirit from me.

12Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

and uphold me with a willing spirit.

13Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.

14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation,

and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.

15O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;

you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.

17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

(Psalm 51:1-17 ESV)

I got your Mission Statement...

So I get this call the other day from my sister-in-law, who wants to know if I've ever written a mission statement. "Sure," I said. "I've helped write one for Kev's office and for the places I've worked over the years."

"No," she replied. "Have you ever written a mission statement for YOU, for yourself?"

(OK, if you've read even a few of these posts, you know that my sarcastic humor often gets the best of me. Fortunately, my sister-in-law knows this. So, she wasn't TOO offended by my following response):

"Mission statement? Yeah...I got your mission statement...(I truly wish I could tell you the rest of that paragraph, but I fear some of you more sensitive souls might me offended.)

Fortunately, Karen wasn't offended. In fact, she laughed...out loud. Like I said, she's been around me long enough to understand.

But...her question wouldn't leave me alone. "Have I ever written a mission statement for ME?"

Well, no, I haven't. But perhaps I should, now that a brand new year has rolled around.

There's one problem. So far, the beginning of 2011 has felt a lot like the movie "Groundhog Day"...kids out of school....snow....kids out of school again...more snow....kids out of school AGAIN....one kid gets sick...OUT OF SCHOOL AGAIN.

On top of that...factor in the need to take mom's medicine to her everyday. Now, that in itself wouldn't be a problem. The problem is that, during almost every visit, mom insists on talking about very hard things that have no solutions. And, it does no good to ask her not to. What confounds me about this diagnosis called Alzheimer's isn't that mom forgets the things I wish she could remember--I understand that cruel part of this disease (at least most of the time)...No, the thing that confounds me is that she remembers the very things I wish she would forget!

All of this to say that, so far, January has held no routine...no "normalcy"...no time to sit in my house by myself and ponder what a mission statement for myself should look like.

Another friend (who I will leave nameless) said to me when I mentioned this mission statement idea to her, "You mean I get to choose my mission statement? I thought everyone else in my life did that for me."

But, I know something needs to change...IN me. For too many months, I've felt stuck, not sure what to do. And, on top of that, the things I believed with all my heart I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO have, for the most part, resulted in nothing but disappointment--Medicaid turned mom down (3 times), VA turned mom down. And, in the meantime, more than 50 "employers" have turned me down.

But...back to that mission statement.

As I mentioned, I couldn't quit thinking about it. So, I decided to do what I do when I can't quit thinking about something--I started writing. (Actually, sis-in-law challenged me to do so way before I actually put pen to paper.)

And here's what I wrote. Is it a mission statement? Not really. At least not one that would have gotten me kudos at any organization where I've worked.

But...it's a starting point. Here goes:


#1. I'm made up of heart, mind and body.
So, each day, I will do something (no matter how small) to:
*"feed" my heart (pray, learn to "abide"; risk and nurture relationships; intentionally look for ways God shows Himself to me; actively and continually practice this thing called faith)
*"feed" my mind (study God's Word; remind myself of who God says He is and who God says I am; read good books of all kinds; listen to good music of all kinds; intentionally choose to be grateful).
*"feed" my body (make healthy food choices, exercise, drink more water, not obsess over any of these things, take a few risks)

#2. I'm entrusted with certain blessings and gifts from the God who made me and redeemed me.
So, everyday, I will:
*Be a good steward of relationships. I will remind myself that "Love" is not a noun or a feeling. It is a verb. It is (in Marla's words), "Choosing to do what is best for the other person." Therefore, I will actively look for ways to truly love the people He has blessed me with, realizing that...sometimes...doing so may not feel or look like love.
*Be a good steward of the financial blessings He has given. Live frugally. Plan wisely. Invest in eternity.
*Be a good steward of time. Don't waste it on empty activities.
*Be a good steward of fun--laugh more, play more--especially with family and friends.
*Be a good steward of what others call my "talents". Write a little every day. Sing a little every day. Teach a little every day. Learn something new every day.

#3. I'm called to do the next right thing ... always.
So, everyday, I will:
Remind myself that God is Sovereign, even over the "stuck" seasons of my life. Therefore, until I see the "path", I will keep attempting to do "the next right thing", which is just another way of saying I will trust and obey (in that order).

So...there's my "mission statement"....for now. Perhaps you see holes or contradictions. If so, go write your own....I warned you about my sarcastic wit!
-------------------------------------------------------

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!

In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope

through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,

and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade....

In this you greatly rejoice,

though for a while you've had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.

These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—

of greater worth than gold...—

may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Though you have not seen him, you love him;

and even though you do not see him now,

you believe in him....

Live out your time as foreigners here in reverent fear.

For you know it was not with perishable things like silver or gold

that you were redeemed from the empty way of life

handed down to you from your ancestors,

but with the precious blood of Christ...."

(from 1 Peter 1, NIV)

Advent Snatches....

Dear friend,
I hear you've had a brutal year--one filled with heartbreak and betrayal, worry and wondering, hurting and being asked to "Let go!"

I understand. I've been there...most days I still am. We are all  "there" at many points along this journey home.

Your friend truly wishes she could take away your suffering, answer your questions in a once-and-for-all way that would bring comfort and peace and healing....she can't. I can't.

But...what we can do is decorate your home. We can place little "touches" of beauty and memories and Advent moments in rooms where you work and sit and eat and pray...and hope (somehow) that those will bring you snatches of peace...and hope...and reminders of joy during this Advent season.

We can wish that when you light the candles we placed on your mantle and kitchen table, you are reminded of "the Light that shines into our darkness," the light that even our darkest darkness cannot extinguish.

We can hope that when you look at the Nativity scene on your end table, you are reminded and encouraged by the Baby Redeemer and Restorer who lies there in the "book manger" (which, by the way, I count as a serendipitous answer to an unspoken "prayer").

I've decided that, on this journey home, sometimes there are no BIG miracles. We pray for them, we hope for them, we wait for them. But, they just don't arrive.

And, in our weariness...disappointment...grief...the temptation is to become discouraged...disillusioned...even despondent.

Especally in those moments, the great challenge is to find the SMALL miracles Jesus brings into our lives every day...those small "snatches" that whisper to our broken hearts, "I love you. I hear you. I know. I care."

I wish you could have witnessed your friend helping decorate your home. Her heart was all for you, and her hope was to lift your sad, sweet heart (even just a little) toward "a future and a hope." As she helped prepare your home with light and beauty and love, she was truly "Jesus with skin" for her hurting friend.

Over the past three years, I know there have been many days I've been so burdened by not getting the BIG miracle that I've missed all the beautiful "small" ones He sent every day.

This Advent...as you enjoy your beautiful home...touched by your loving friend...my prayer is that you find snatches of joy...and hope...and love...and Shalom (wholeness).

Some words I read this first Advent morning spoke deeply to me: "I keep expecting loud and impressive events to convince me and others of God's saving power....Our temptation is to be distracted by them....When I have no eyes for the small signs of God's presence--a baby's smile, children's carefree play, words of encouragement and gestures of love offered by friends--I will always remain tempted to despair. The small child of Bethlehem, the unknown man of Nazareth, the rejected preacher, the naked man on the cross, HE asks for my full attention...." (Henri Nouwen)

Held by Grace,
Karen
-----------------------------

The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears.

He will remove forever all insults and mockery

against his land and people.

The Lord has spoken!

In that day the people will proclaim,

“This is our God!

We trusted in him, and he saved us!

This is the Lord, in whom we trusted.

Let us rejoice in the salvation he brings!”

(Isaiah 25:8-9, NLT)

When Surely beat up Grace...

My 5th decade. 50 years. 18,250 days of breathing, beating, living.

And many things about this week caught me off guard. Sadness. Disappointment. An old grief I thought was buried and could no longer touch me.


"Surely," I thought, "God will finally answer this one big ongoing prayer." He didn't.
"Surely,"...I hoped and wished and waited about so many "fill-in-the-blanks."

As I approached the big 5-0 day, I found myself thinking back to my 40th birthday. We celebrated with a picnic at Cove Park, surrounded by my then-intact family and many good friends. Life was easy and sweet and good and full...with so much to look forward to. My sons were 6 and 4, full of life and love and all the time in the world for "mommy." At the party, my mom was running after the boys, playing and feeding the ducks.

I have a framed photo of that day. In it, my arm is around Honey--he is grinning, and I am toasting the photographer--an appropriate gesture--it was a season for "toasting."

And then...life seemed to fast-forward to 5-0. My sons are now 16 and 14, full of life and love, but not nearly as much time in the world for "mom." My mom is now completely dependent on a walker or wheelchair, and is quickly sliding into that January diagnosis of Alzheimer's.

My 50th party was supposed to be in a far-away, exotic place with a person I dearly loved, a person I shared so many dreams and plans and secrets with. But she is gone. She left in a heart-rending way that still, at times, feels like some wound that won't quite heal. She remains my biggest "Surely..."

So...there I sat on Monday night, in my bed, feeling sorry for myself (even after a wonderful family-filled birthday weekend where people I dearly love celebrated with me).

About that time, I turned to Honey and asked, "What time do I need to be ready for Prairie Home Companion?" (...only one of two things I had asked for.)

"I haven't ordered tickets yet," Honey answered calmly.

SURELY I had heard him wrong..."What do you mean you haven't ordered tickets YET? The concert's day after tomorrow."

"I'm ordering them tomorrow" he calmly responded, glancing up from his book.

"WHAT?...I TOLD YOU WEEKS AGO THAT'S WHAT I WANTED FOR MY BIRTHDAY. THAT SHOW WILL NEVER BE IN KNOXVILLE AGAIN. YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING I'M TOO HARD TO BUY FOR. SO THIS YEAR, I ACTUALLY MADE IT EASY BY TELLING YOU WHAT I WANTED, AND IT'S STILL TOO HARD? THERE WON'T BE ANY GOOD SEATS LEFT. I DON'T WANT TO GO SIT IN CRAPPY SEATS. JUST FORGET IT."

And...right there...Honey got mad.

But...I was packed and loaded...and the trigger had been pulled.

"What about Rosetta Stone? Did you order it YET?" (The other thing I had ASKED for. I think I'm being called to the "mission field" of Italy, so I figure I better learn Italian.)

"I'm ordering it tomorrow, too." (By that point in the conversation, Honey REALLY didn't want to tell me that, so give the man points for honesty.)

I won't bore you with all the hurtful words...back and forth...but we both went to bed wounded, and woke up pouting, backed into our corners, licking our wounds.

That evening, I decided to put on my big girl panties and take myself to the movie "Eat Pray Love." I ended up being THE ONLY PERSON in the theatre, which was a good thing, given that I was having one of my "let's-just-cry-til-we-make-animal-noises-moments". The whole experience was a bit surreal and probably held deeper lessons on many levels, if I had just been willing to listen.

By the time I got home, the boys had gone to bed. So I told Honey goodnight (no kiss, of course) and spent the rest of my 50th-birthday-eve still pouting.

The next morning, Honey and the boys woke me up with a cup of coffee, a song and a card. A good start--even though Honey seemed a bit like a pup afraid of getting kicked again--cautious, guarded, crouching around the edges.

"Surely," (I thought).

The morning was filled with "Surelys..."

Eventually, I decided to kick this 5th decade in the butt and go for a run. I sometimes talk to Jesus when I run. (That morning, I talked AT Him.) "SURELY...you can make it so that, when I go to the mailbox today, there will be a letter from VA saying they've approved mom for benefits....SURELY....You can show up today."

And He did.

No, there was no letter from VA. And, at first, I didn't recognize Him.

He showed up quietly...in a letter from my oldest son that I will ask Jesus if I can take to heaven with me.

He showed up in lovely words on Facebook and in text messages and e-mails and phone calls and long walks and yummy lunches with cherished friends. He showed up in surprise visits from old friends, who came bearing sweet, thought-filled words and gifts.

And...that first night of my 50th year...He showed up in Honey's gift, which...thanks to me..was given a bit sheepishly.

(The gift requires a little explanation. You see, Honey has heard me say at least 1,000 times that I will always be thankful to Cedar Springs Presbyterian Church because that's where I first heard about this amazing thing called GRACE.)

As I sat there looking at Honey's gift, trying to "figure it out," he had to explain that the images in each of the five photos spelled out a word. Armed with that hint, I started looking at them a little closer

G...R...A...C...E

GRACE.

GRACE!

Honey explained that he had gone to the Cedar Springs campus--where I first experienced GRACE--and taken the photos, and then recruited our talented friend, Julie, to PhotoShop them into just the right "look."

GRACE!

And to think that, over and over again...all week long...I had let "Surely..." beat up on "GRACE". (Isn't that just like the "Surelys" in our lives?)

Thankfully...in the end..because of HIM--that amazing Giver of GRACE--and His GRACE-filled people (especially my Honey) who pour out GRACE on me...every day...throughout each of my decades...GRACE won!

GRACE always does!

"So we're not giving up. How could we!
Even though on the outside it looks like things are falling apart,
on the inside, where God is making new life,
not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.
Hard times are small potatoes compared to coming good times,
the lavish celebration prepared for us.
There's far more here than meets the eye.
The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow.
But the things we can't see now will last forever."
(2 Corinthians 4:16-18, The Message)